WHY: So I was with a Filipina at your local Jolibee, and someone bothered me while my hand was under the table. I got heated. We walked up the block to cool down with some HALO-HALO.

Shaved ice (and cream) is popular across just about all Asian countries with each having their own variation; Kakigori, Patbingsu, you know the drill. HALO-HALO is the Philippines’ take on it, bottomed in this case with fruits and other goodies.

IMPRESSIONS: Oh shit I’m supposed to mix this!

After a quick mix, the HALO-HALO tasted pretty similar to Patbingsu — if it was served in Lucky Charms cereal milk instead. There’s no one set of ingredients for HALO-HALO, it’s part of the charm. However, this particular spot’s rendition lacked the dessert’s hallmark topping of ube chunks. It’s absence was disappointing. The toughness of the sweet kidney beans were a miss on my end as well.

Don’t get me wrong, ya’ boy is a fan of shaved ice. The flan used in place of the famed ube scoop created small surprising pockets of creaminess that helped cut through the chunkiness of the ice cream. The combination of mango and ube flavors was also a hit. (Especially with extra ube mamon on the side.)

From worst to best, here’s the rating breakdown:

• “Hard Pass.” — Needs no explaining.
• “Blue Balls.” — Was excited for this, but.
• “Nothing to Write Home About.” — It’s ok.
• “I’d Put it on Snapchat.” — Add me!
• “DANK.” — Oh shit whaddup!

VERDICT: “Nothing to Write Home About.”